Not feelin so Sassy..

As I approach the brink of my 32nd year on the 3rd rock from the sun, I am feeling confused and a little pensive. Where am I headed? I have no regrets but I can't help to wonder why I've made some of the choices in my life that I have. If you know you have hopes and dreams, why would you choose to be lazy and not stay focused or have to much fun instead of taking advantage of the great opportunities you've been fortunate to have? A bunch of "what if's" run through my mind...What if I would have finished my degree at BU; where would I be now? Would I be with the man I thought was the best thing ever? Would I be working for an amazing company doing amazing things? What if I never would have accepted the job at Club One nine years ago? Would I still be with Pottery Barn, I hope not.

Life is full of forks in the road we choose what we think is best based on our innate and learned mind's thoughts, reasonings, etc. Or is it destiny?

I know some things would still be true, I would still have my great family (maybe even a family of my own) and I would still have the few friends that have stuck around throughout my life. Maybe it's just the position I'm in now, not happy at work, not feeling good about myself, stressed at home and just wished sometimes things were different. at least I have Mike to vent to and not feel guilty about doing it..and there's this blog..It's a rough time on this planet right now for a lot of people and OF COURSE I have SO MUCH to be greatful for. But I just wonder is it something I did or is it a decision I made that makes me feel this way. I feel like I need a sabbatical from life, I need to explore the world and continue to explore myself. It's to bad I'm not in the profession that allows that. I just need time to make myself happy with everything, I have been before. I need to do it for me! I need to re-focus on me and making me right again. I think being laid off last year hurt me in so many ways. I think it broke not only my pocket book, but also my spirit, pride, self-confidence, it broke me. I don't want the old me to be gone, I miss the old me. I love managing people and seeing them succeed, I love being respected, admired and looked up to at work. I think that is a big part of me considering I've been a leader since I was a kid, I think that's HUGE piece that's missing from me right now. At work now I'm noone, I just sit in a closet with a computer all day and talk to people who scream at me. I absolutely HATE IT!!! It makes me soooo frustrated and miserable. I don't even want to do my nails because I don't give a shit about myself...and that sucks. I need a new job and NOW! FUCK! Work shouldn't make a person, but being a leader makes me happy and I'm not right now, I work for fuckin Napolean and I hate it..funny, he speaks French too.